Those that know me will be aware that I am currently going through my tenth mid-life crisis. Those that don’t will have probably gathered it from my normal rants in this magazine. Either that or acknowledged I’m a miserable old twat. Now I’ve always been a simple old fool. I know a smidgeon about football, a bit about music and a bit about terrace culture. I have, for my sins, over the years spent thousands on pointless designer clothes and training shoes and have usually had an eye for upcoming trends etc. Well it’s all over. I’ve had enough. I’m sick of reading on the internet about pit sizes and re-issued training shoes. Anoraks and sweatshirts. Goggles and crocodiles. Nowadays any gimp can go and buy into it and that was never the point. It’s got to the state where I just can’t walk in a proper Designer Menswear shop anymore so I’ve made the decision to go back to what I really love and that’s clothes not fashion. I’ve boxed up all the trainers – ebay here they come – took out the proper shoes, had ’em cobbled and polished, brought out the flat-fronted trousers, sorted out a tailor and buttoned down the shirts and dusted down the Crombie. I’ve settled on the Modernist/Suedehead look that suits a man of my stature. But as a man that has to be “all or nothing” as the Godlike Steve Marriott once said I have changed my lifestyle completely. I have finished listening to records that were recorded after 1973, read the collected works of Paolo Hewitt, got my “Rover Ticket” for next year’s jazz festival and got myself a nice little sort with a feather cut and a complete Trojan record collection. The reason I mention it here is that I am going to have to change my match-going experience. I have therefore resigned from the quiet but highly influential Wigan Mob, West Stand Casuals and reformed the Famous Non-League Hooligans. At the moment there is me, Frankie Badge, Finchy and Molloy (they’ve never left) and Suddy’s already got his membership in! What I’m looking for now are more members. All I ask is that you have a non-league attitude to everything. Football, clothes, music etc. There will be a just few strict rules and rituals that must be adhered to at all times:
Meet – Crofters Arms, Market Tavern, John Bull, All Souls Tavern Drink – Manns Brown Ale, Lager & Lime, Mild Food – Must have a crust on it – Bogeys allowed Match Day
Accessories – Scarves, Rosettes, Rattles, Cosh and Umbrellas with sharpened point
Clothes – Strictly No Birmingham Bags, anoraks, training shoes or Platform Soles. Parallels, Wrangler Denim Jeans and Jackets, Ditto Levi’s, Harringtons, Crombies, Budgie Jackets, Ben Sherman, Brutus, Jaytex, Tank Tops, Three Star Jumpers, Butchers Coats, Full Clockwork Orange garb (cup ties only), Docs, Royals, Comos, Tasselled Loafers, Plain Loafers, Blakeys optional on all shoes ￼￼￼￼￼￼￼
Singing – Bootboy anthems only Haircut – Skinhead, Mod, Suedehead, Feather Cut, Rod Stewart Crop, Early Bowie Cut (open to debate but probably okay), Full Noddy Holder, No Dave Hill’s of Slade please
Women – Not allowed at match, in pub, in club. In fact anywhere except bedroom, kitchen and behind a bar with their boobs hanging out!
Motto – “They’re not a patch on the Kirkby Town Skins, get stuck in!”
We will be running a coach to Arsenal where we can sing “Mr Bertie Mee said to Don Revie have you heard of the North Bank Highbury? Don said No I don’t think so but I’ve heard of the Wigan Bootboys”. Needless to say we’ll be taking their end – wherever that may be now. If we get enough numbers we’ll be taking a special train to a match this season. We’ll be loading it up with Watneys Party Sevens for the journey there and smashing the light fittings on the way back. I’ll be taking bookings to join the mob at the Watford game and if you don’t know me I’ll be if not the smartest-looking one in the West Stand Bar at half time the one arguing about the fact they’ve no lime to put in my lager.